Over the last several months, I have felt a definite disjointedness between me and God.  Although, Breaking Free has taught me a lot and made me reflect on my life; it also brought to surface the dark seed in my heart.  You know what I mean.. the area in which “I” was taking care of…the place in my life that I didn’t want to hand over to God.  Along with the resurfacing, I found myself knee deep in “yuck.”  Just plain old, “I don’t like myself” yuck… the stuff you can’t wash off by yourself.  I began to judge others and projecting my anger and the yuck on other people.  And all the while, I was thinking, “God, won’t you help me?”

Towards the end of Breaking Free, I discovered something.. I needed to take my love for Christ to the next level.  You know the one… TOTAL surrendering, FULLY faithful, and anointing myself in God’s word.  I have always half way done the surrendering.  I have done better in the faithful area; but the anointing myself in God’s word.. really?  Who has time??  Excuse me as I am brutally honest here and dodging lightning.  That was my attitude.. Okay, I have done some Bible study, read along with the preacher in church, took the Bible to Sunday School.. doing things right, right?

Ahem

In all my efforts to do things right, I had forgotten the relationship with God.  I had forgotten to declutter my mind and my life to make time for Him.  I was too busy juggling to realize that my “good girl” actions were wearing thin and what I was needing was some good old fashioned “Jesus Time.”  Over the last couple of weeks, I have been confessing, renewing my mind and taking the “training” advice from our pastor.  What a world of a difference!!  I feel so rejuvenated.  So refreshed!  So LOVED!!

Now if you don’t mind, I have Psalms 77 to study!!

The Breaking Free Bible study has opened my eyes to many things over the last few weeks.  I have had to literally sit, pray, and really take a long hard look at the scenarios that have become woefully as well as joyfully known as my life.  Recently, I reached deep into my soul to search for the source of all the pain and anger. I discovered it..really didn’t like what I found… the center of it all [oh how I wanted to point a finger]…I found the source… and it was ME.  I have kept the anger and pain churning within my soul. I added the fuel in order to keep it burning.  And I had to realize I could not longer blame anyone, but me, for hanging onto this yucky, gross pain and anger.

As hard as it was going to be, I knew it was time to walk away from it permanently.  The amount of time I have wasted really bothered and discouraged me.  AND if  you have been following my blog long enough, you would know that I have said this COUNT..LESS times..[but to let you into a little secret] I have harbored the pain and anger.  [I know disgusting, isn't it]

But, Beth, (Beth Moore) showed me something last night.  and now I am truly embarrassed by my behavior.  I am quite ashamed to admit that I have clenched my teeth into this pain and anger for so long…  She shared with us the idea of God narrowing our paths.  I had to really cultivate this one over and over again in my mind only to realize if you look at my life’s scenarios the path has narrowed over the years.

Allow some elaboration here…

Graduating college, I became a career woman as a teacher.  I had though it was my destiny.  Wanna know why??  When I was a senior in high school.  I had a wonderful English teacher.  She was strict and demanded a lot from her students.  On career day, she asked us to share our dream careers.  I proudly announced, “A Writer.”  The look on her face said enough.  She pulled me aside and very matter-of-factly explained that I would be better off as an English teacher than a writer.. because, “Those who can’t, teach.”  I was crushed.  All I ever imagined myself doing was writing.  So, licking my wounds, I started down the educational tract.  Honorably, I never imagined ever being something other than a teacher.. just like my mother.

So, as an English teacher, I spent 11 very long years trying to be the best.  All the while, I was hoping to write.  I encouraged the kids to write and to tap into their creativity.  Again, all the while, I wished I would do the same.  After the 11th year, I left the teaching field.  There isn’t enough prozac in the world to have kept me teaching.  The No Child Left Behind Act [or as I like to call it, "No Teacher Left Standing Act"] burned me out.  And being a Children’s Minister was like fitting a square beg into a round hole.  It didn’t fit.

Defeated and deflated, I began a blog.  It was my way to coping.  I was determined to make a go at something.  I had given up two careers and well… scrubbing our toilets isn’t my thing for a daily life.   Of course, God had let me in on a secret by this time as well.  He wanted me to speak and to motivate.  Having no clue as to how that was going to work, I kept on blogging and writing.  I had made a commitment to it but hey. I didn’t have the best track record for keeping a career.. AND I lacked the motivation to take off running.  OR at least that it what I thought.

Last night in the weee hours, I woke up and had one of “those” moments.  It has been God’s plan all along.  He has been narrowing my path.  I have really learned what it means to study His word and I am beginning to speak at banquets.  For the last two years, I have been what I thought was “dragging my feet,”  but, in reality, I was getting prepared.  I had taken a little vacation.. okay, 2 years worth.  Now, I am refreshed and ready to serve Him without ANY doubt.  [sure hope Satan is listening]  All the pain, anger, and the gunk I have had to wade through to mold me into writing and into speaking wasn’t wasted time after all.  God was just narrowing my path as I gained insight and some Bible wisdom.

God Bless…

Don’t you just love it when someone says something profound and then all of a sudden, in every situation, it keeps popping in your head proving their profound statement even more true???  That is what has been happening to me ever since I was in Breaking Free on Tuesday.  Beth Moore just seems to peg a few points for me… over and over again… perhaps God is trying to tell me something!!

Beth [in my mind we are on a first name basis.. I have seen her on DVD enough that I feel like I know her personally]… anyway Beth was talking about how we have confused frustration with tribulations.  Whenever a monkey wrench is thrown, our daily plans turn into havoc or if things don’t go our way, we act as if our frustrated situation is a tribulation.  So being the the word nerd I am, I just had to prove Beth wrong… looking up tribulation this is what I discovered…

-noun

1. grievous trouble; severe trial or suffering.

2.an instance of this; an affliction, trouble, etc.

Okay, Beth, you won…  but…but…but…when the kids are shouting and the lady cuts me off….but, but, but, but….((sigh)) you’re right..  Of course, during our Wednesday night Bible class, what was pointed out?????  Paul and Silas in prison, beaten, broken, bleeding, surrounded by skanky filth, and rats (Acts 16)…HELLO!  TRIBULATION!!!!!  And here’s my response: tears.  My so called “tribulations” are nothing in comparison.  SO why am I complaining?  I mean Paul and Silas began singing praise to God during their tribulation.  Now, how am I reacting to my “frustration?”  [Okay, I am going to be honest... sometimes I become a big old whiney baby.]  Anyone else???

***

Okay, folks, I posed a challenge yesterday..Remember??  Eating Cleaning out our freezers??  Seeing how long we can go without going to the grocery store except for the basics (milk, eggs, bread, and butter)??  So, for my first freezer meal I got creative!!

I took two bags for frozen chicken split breasts..boiled the chicken and removed the bones and skin.  Boiled a bag of carrots and peas.  Cooked spaghetti noodles in the chicken broth (the water I boiled the chicken in).  Chopped a bundle of green onions.  Threw 1/3 of the chicken, drained carrots and peas, green onions, and noodles in a big bowl.  I poured a small bottle of ranch dressing and added a little salt and pepper..MMMMM  Yummy!!

From this:

To this:

Don’t forget, I want you to document your results and I want to see your freezer.  Send me your story and pix to regina@reginadettra.com by April 28th.  I will pick a winner and send you a freezer cookbook!!  Click here for more details.

In today’s world, we need protection…health insurance, auto insurance, identity theft protection, burglar alarms, sunscreen… the list could go on and on….

In many cases protection is deemed as a necessity.  How often do we hear the quacking voice of that irritating duck, “AFLAC!”???  Protection=security and security=feeling safe and feeling safe=satisfaction… Right??  Protecting myself from harm is good.  However, if I surround myself with “bubble-wrap” mentality, I could be missing out on God’s purpose for me…

Chew on that one for a bit..I have ever since I left my Beth Moore (Breaking Free) class today.  If I continually band-aid my wounded soul and practice self-protection to keep from getting hurt, could I be ruining a chance for God to work through me?  I have asked myself is the self-protection or is it a missed opportunity of my calling?

Deep…

This morning, I asked Jesus to join me for a walk.  We were walking around the basketball court and I was doing most of the talking.  Explaining my feelings and that I am really feeling a spiritual workout from all the homework Beth Moore has me doing from the “Breaking Free” study.

I have a tendency to close up whenever I do a study or am reading a “get yourself together” self-help book; and this time I had promised myself that I would get through whatever comes my way…. facing my giants, you might say…..  So last night, Beth Moore challenged me to take a hard truthful look at the strongholds that I have struggling to remove from my life.

So this morning…. what a perfect opportunity to have Christ on my walk…..  because for the first time….EVER….I wanted to stare down what has kept me in captivity….. I was about to get honest….. real honest… scary honest….Mr. T “I pity the fool” honest…..I began explaining the emotions that have been driving the eating….the hurt, the betrayal, the pain, the suffering…..then out of no where I begin to list details of events that I had endured over the years…details:  so and so did this, said this, looked at me like this….. get the picture.  Hello!  Regina!  Christ was there!  Remember???

It was like Christ stopped me grabbing my arm and saying, “If this is going to be a pity party, I’m outta here.”  No, no… I reassured myself…..no pity party this time…. so I began to talk to Christ about the truth of the matter….I’m being badgered by stuff I need to banish.  Then WHAM!  Details start popping back up in my head.

So then, I literally stopped walking and said:

I’m sorry Jesus….. Satan is up in my head filling me full of details again.   Now Satan….

I turned to the left….

Satan, BACK OFF, BUCKO!!  I am not falling for that again.  No more pushing play on my memory file.  I don’t want to hear those details again!!

Turning back to the right….

Jesus….surround my thoughts.  Keep Satan’s dirty little paws off my memory buttons.  I’m tired.  I’m ready to heal.  I want freedom from all the “wrongs” that I have stored up there in my memory.  I want to stop the cycle and I need help keeping Satan out of my head.

Then I started walking again…..I felt liberated.  On lookers probably thought I had lost my mind…..but, nevertheless,  I feel liberated.

God Bless